We came home from Mark's funeral and Dad pinned the program in his office, right next to our family photo. I never asked why he did, because I already had the answer. It was a reminder to him. Kindle life because it's precious.
Cancer was like a foreign word to me. I just thought who ever had it lost their hair.
I lost my last tooth the year Uncle Jim died. I remember so vividly because at the viewing everyone commented on my funky smile.
I smiled because I was scared, scared that it was our turn to walk him through death.
Our turn came like a thief in the night, but we didn't change one thing. We still went to Jackson Hole, Wyoming for the 4th. We still went for runs together, except the weeks he had kemo. He still woke me up every morning, even if he had to call me from his doctor's appointment. We still played catch every Sunday after church. He still raised his voice when I came in late for curfew, and still teased me about my first boyfriend in the 7th grade, but he still made sure he was the only man in my life and told me I can't kiss a boy till I'm married.
At the end of every hectic day, Mom made time to come in my room and let me ask questions. She had a way to make me feel like Dad will be here in the morning.
We walked him through death, together.
We didn't change any routines or the way we lived our life. We just cherished him coming home with a big old smile on his face because he has us, and we have him.
*Now I have Dad's program pinned in my room. For a reminder I suppose. That life is precious.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Boulevard of Broken Dreams
The days got longer and the sun and moon seem to glow more. Every once in awhile we'll talk about him and we rarely end with out tissues getting passed around.
We all write down our own personal memories that haunt us in our sleep because we all fear they will be forgotten if we don't.
I run to remember. I remember how I use to only have a to do list. I went threw the motions. Then, life happened.
Cancer; wish we had more time.
I remember my dream to play at the next level, but it failed. I remember my dream of him walking me down the isle. I remember the dream of being happy all together, but I awoke from that dream that Sunday morning in September.
I didn't stop to smell the roses anymore. In my eyes, everything was hazy.
When "plan A" failed, I turned to B
Or C D through a different perspective. Failing is an essential part of learning in life. Humility will find you on your weakest day. It found me while was laying hopelessly on my couch after surgery. Everyone was hyped up about the holidays, and going ice skating and making igloos. I couldn't even stand on my own feet. I had nothing to fall back on, but that's when you loose yourself, then you find yourself.
Some people noticed a spring in my step. I just told em it was swag.
So I created new dreams. I didn't replace them but I build upon them. I made them better. A dream that fails is not a loyal dream. A loyal dream is one that you never give up on, and it never gives up on you. The difference my dream and your dream is my dreams lights a fire within me. They tell me to never settle.
We all write down our own personal memories that haunt us in our sleep because we all fear they will be forgotten if we don't.
I run to remember. I remember how I use to only have a to do list. I went threw the motions. Then, life happened.
Cancer; wish we had more time.
I remember my dream to play at the next level, but it failed. I remember my dream of him walking me down the isle. I remember the dream of being happy all together, but I awoke from that dream that Sunday morning in September.
I didn't stop to smell the roses anymore. In my eyes, everything was hazy.
When "plan A" failed, I turned to B
Or C D through a different perspective. Failing is an essential part of learning in life. Humility will find you on your weakest day. It found me while was laying hopelessly on my couch after surgery. Everyone was hyped up about the holidays, and going ice skating and making igloos. I couldn't even stand on my own feet. I had nothing to fall back on, but that's when you loose yourself, then you find yourself.
Some people noticed a spring in my step. I just told em it was swag.
So I created new dreams. I didn't replace them but I build upon them. I made them better. A dream that fails is not a loyal dream. A loyal dream is one that you never give up on, and it never gives up on you. The difference my dream and your dream is my dreams lights a fire within me. They tell me to never settle.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
I'm thinking about you
I'm thinking about you like rain thinks about fallin and when it starts fallin you know that means Seattle's callin
I'm thinking about you like old Black Nugget Road thinks about dirt and bumps and whenever someone acted up, they had to walk the gravel humps.
I'm thinking about you like stress thinks about worrying, and worrying thinks about hurrying and how I never learned my lesson. Which brings me to second guessing. I'm thinking about you like tumors think about spreading. Like mistakes think about mending. Like wind thinks about roaring, and dreams think about forming. Like barriers think about breaking, and minds think about awakening.
I'm thinking about you like doctors think about curing, like mom thinks about learning
to write chapters without him.
I'm thinking about you like fall thinks about changing. Like coaches think about pushing, like dad's should think about their kids childhoods. Like kids think about keeping their eyes open so they can greet dad when he struggles to walk threw the door.
I'm thinking about you like toes think about being in the sand. Like families think about vacation. Like vacation thinks about relaxing. Like relaxing thinks about smiles and smiles think about happiness. Like happiness thinks about forever.
I'm thinking about you like clouds think about silver linings. Like difficult times think about better days to come.
I'm thinking about you like old Black Nugget Road thinks about dirt and bumps and whenever someone acted up, they had to walk the gravel humps.
I'm thinking about you like stress thinks about worrying, and worrying thinks about hurrying and how I never learned my lesson. Which brings me to second guessing. I'm thinking about you like tumors think about spreading. Like mistakes think about mending. Like wind thinks about roaring, and dreams think about forming. Like barriers think about breaking, and minds think about awakening.
I'm thinking about you like doctors think about curing, like mom thinks about learning
to write chapters without him.
I'm thinking about you like fall thinks about changing. Like coaches think about pushing, like dad's should think about their kids childhoods. Like kids think about keeping their eyes open so they can greet dad when he struggles to walk threw the door.
I'm thinking about you like toes think about being in the sand. Like families think about vacation. Like vacation thinks about relaxing. Like relaxing thinks about smiles and smiles think about happiness. Like happiness thinks about forever.
I'm thinking about you like clouds think about silver linings. Like difficult times think about better days to come.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Love
Love is a circle. Love is being on top of a mountain, looking down at what you've overcomed. Love is like listening to James Taylor on a Sunday afternoon. Love is a tree. It provides. Love is big band-aid that covers up the boo boo. Love is an alarm clock. It's annoying when you hear the sound, but you rely on it to start your day. Love is the Fourth of July. Love is bold. Love is shoes on my feet. Love is keeping all the teenage girls up at their slumber parties. Love is midnight runs to wal-mart to get toilet paper, because we ran out. Love is a cold shower on a winter morning. Love is changing a dirty diaper. Love is a warm cup of cocoa in your hand and enjoying each others smiles. Love is waking up to the smell of banana pancakes. Love is home. Love is Mom working all night to pay the bills. Love is a sunday kind of love, a kind of love that lasts past Saturday night. Love is getting lost in a field of daises. Love is sleeping at the hospital by his side, even though I loathe that place. Love is blind. Love is being satisfied, because you found the one. Love is s i m p l e, but why do we make it so freakin complicated? Love is invincible. Love is making the best of what comes your way. Love is keeping a promise, no matter what you'll stumble upon. Love is seeing his side of the story. Love is being vulnerable. Love is scary. Love is hope. Love is not having a care in the world. Love is deceitful. Love is a tattoo that will never be removed. Love is really nothing, but a dream that keeps waking me..
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